The Soliloquies

Queer Camp 5-Malam Budaya (26 Okt 2018) Sepenggal rasa dari keberagaman nan indah yang tercipta antara kita. Tidak sempurna, tetapi nyata. -- Delapan hari, tujuh malam bersama Awalnya mengukir asa sendiri Kemudian menjalin rasa bersama Rasa yang dijalin tidak lama, Tapi membekas bak luka yang menganga Yang tertinggal hanya rindu Satu rindu Dua rindu Rindu bersambut rindu, Bersama mengenang rasa Dengan asa berusaha meraih cita Menggenggam keberagaman dalam telapak tangan Merekamnya dalam hati Menerapkannya dalam hari Kami queer, dan tidak ada yang salah akan itu Tapi selalu menjadi hal Aku dan kamu Kami dan kalian Seolah-olah 'kita' adalah hal yang sangat mustahil Padahal keniscayaan menanti Diujung jalan dengan penuh hati Menyambut kami yang letih berjuang Untuk memeluk dan sekadar menikmati Arti hidup yang layak dan aman Cinta yang terlarang, katanya Cinta mana yang berani kau salahkan? Cinta mana yang berani kau caci kehadirannya? Cinta ...

Every opened door welcome new realities Every opened mind welcome new possibilities Every opened heart welcome new feelings Even hurt Everyday we are facing a brand new chapter Of our stories that yet we have to discover "The strong ones will remain" they said What about me? Us? This boxes in reality is so unfair Closing any possibilities Blocking every new way to feel Besides hurt I'm simply outnumbered by "the strong ones" Does that mean that I am weak? Does that mean that I am less worthy? That is a fucked up statement that Messes with my every being You have no idea how is it feel like When you are suddenly just paralyzed With raging heart, Every hard breath feels like the last one You are going to inhale and then One last exhale Your mind is all over the place But your body can't get you anywhere besides Brings you deeper in your own paranoia But we live anyway, aren't we? Maybe someday I will find my own box...

There are some things that keeps you alive But there also are some things that stop you from going on with life But look at where you are right now, alive, aren't you? You keep going with your life From when your mom rock you to sleep, To bed-time stories with your dad, And getting your first ever room to yourself, And looking up for your own place in different city. "Life is a mystery", they said. But i like to say that, life is simply full of wonders. There are some stories that your parents haven't told you before The stories of your life The stories where no one, not even you, can figure out easily There are things that books can't even tell you There are things that is really meaningful yet so simple Those are the things you can achieve by Contemplate on collection of actions in your life There are things that keeps you alive, Besides those memories that you keep playing on your mind Reminiscing those grand pictures when you feel like...

Simpang Mengayau, Kudat, Malaysia Forgiving is always a hard thing to do Aren't you agree with me, dear my mortal enemy? Sometimes, we just hate someone so much It hurts We just entered a territory where we never thought would ever be That dark, desolated place Full of hatred and sorrow The place where i mourn about you, My dearest enemy The pain that you caused Crushed me inside out Destroying what i thought we have That so-called-Friendship, huh? Or is it just me being naive? Or was it you being a cynical person you are Unabashed by your shortcoming But, please anyone, explain to me Why did my heart beats in pain At the mere mention of your name, dear enemy? I thought by not giving a flying fuck at you I would live in serenity Explain to me why it's this way, Why hurt has to be here every single frinkin' day? You can't restore a broken glass, they said The same thing happen to the trust i have in you, dear my pathetic enemy I don...

Berlambatlah, rasa.... Banyak keluh kesah di sekelilingku, "Ah, bosan itu-itu saja," "Ganti dong, masa itu terus," dan masih banyak bentuk celotehan lainnya. Baru kusadari bahwa semua itu bermuara kembali pada satu titik, yaitu rasa.  Bukankah rasa seharusnya mengantar seseorang dalam petualangan kehidupan? Kalau kata sebuah komersial di televisi, "Manis, asem, asin, rame rasanya." Mungkin maksud dari komersil itu berarti bahwa orang-orang sangat mencintai keberagaman rasa dan keluh kesah yang kudengar di sekelilingku berarti orang-orang sedang mendambakan rasa yang berbeda. Ah, aku mengerti sekarang.  Apa itu rasa ? Pikiranku terus berputar dan tenggelam dalam pikiranku sendiri. Aku tahu rasa makanan yang enak, manis, pedas, asam, asin dan lainnya. Akan tetapi hari ini aku berbicara mengenai rasa yang berbeda.  Pernahkah kalian, yang sedang membaca tulisan ini, merasakan "tidak merasa apapun"? Seolah-olah segala sesuatu disekitarm...

That uneasy feeling Lingers in my chest Stealing the breathe i have Smothering my being Like an axe in my hand Trying to put me to the darkness I turned my back Close my eyes Only to find myself deeper in the darkness The beat of my heart that won't slow down Aches, catching breathe The palms squeezed together  Trying to ease the pain away I'm ravished by  my own thoughts "Why try?", "What do you fight for?" Is it life? Or is it everything in that fucked up world? What is life anyway? No one every said that i don't want this life But no one exactly tell me to live this life Dreadful, bitter life It's like adding lemon to a scar Numbing the pain, but giving you that uneasy feeling Trembling, sweating, choking  Turning my life upside down, once again Life the one that i fight for every seconds the one that frightened me the most Relinquishing yet pulling me back to its core Drowning me beneath the waves Unfinis...

"Home is where you are. Where are you now?" Kenangan itu, ketakutan itu Senantiasa hidup dan berjalan bersamaku Hari ini, satu tahun yang lalu, Aku tiba di puncak Gunung Prau yang menunjukkan segala keindahan Yang dilukiskan oleh Sang Pencipta Hari itu seharusnya menjadi hari yang penuh dengan sukacita Hari itu menjadi hari di mana aku dapat melihat berkat Allah yang besar Hari itu aku ditemani oleh teman-temanku yang menjadi berkat tersendiri bagiku Hari itu membuktikan bahwa kesenangan itu satu paket dengan kesedihan Hari itu aku melihat dan mendengar kabar bahwa dirimu Sudah tidak lagi bernafas Sudah tidak lagi dapat beraktivitas Sudah tidak lagi dapat menelfonku Sudah tidak lagi dapat menerima pesan singkat dariku Sudah tidak lagi dapat mengatakan, "Selamat ulang tahun ya" Sudah tidak lagi dapat mengatakan, "Oma so rindu eh" Sudah tidak lagi dapat menanyakan kabarku Sudah tidak lagi dapat menajdi penyemangatku Sudah tidak l...